I have discovered in my time as a Momma (this last year plus a bit) that this momma stuff is HARD.  I know that’s obvious (at least if you’re a Momma), but it is so very hard to juggle every day between what I need to do (things around the house) and what I have to do because my daughter needs me to do these things (like sit on the couch and cuddle and watch cartoons).  Don’t get me wrong, there are some fabulously awesome moments that drastically outweigh the bad (and there are a ton more good than bad moments, which helps).  But I really struggle with the balance.  Especially when she needs me and I’m already so far out of balance with myself as it is.

The last several months have been really hard with Jamie being out of commission.  He was in the hospital for the majority of August and we struggled as a family without him being able to watch her during the day while I worked.  Once he was released from the hospital, he was unable to lift her or walk, which meant that he couldn’t watch her during the day still.  A lot of the weight of these last couple of months has fallen on my parents, who have been amazing.  They have helped watch her while I am at work and Jamie is at various appointments. 


Yet, every moment that I am not at work, I am with her.  Trying to take care of her and help Jamie get around and do what he needs to do.  And as much as I love that little bug, it is really wearing on my self care.  I have lists upon lists of things that I want to do that I just can’t because she’s changed her sleeping schedule (again), or she’s teething something horrible (again), or she’s literally attached to hip (this has become the norm lately).  And I feel like I’m drowning. 


Namely, teething sucks.  Not only does it drain my poor girl, it drains me!  I feel like we’ve been teething almost since birth.  Obviously, we’ve had small breaks between, but nonetheless, the last year has felt like a constant battle with teeth.  We have all the “stuff” from Orajel to teething rings and biscuits, but during teething it seems like it never ends (or helps, though it does).  Teething changes my normal, independent, playful one year old into a fussy, crying brat that royally frustrates Momma.  And no matter what may be going on - teething means that naps and bedtime will be difficult, routines will get messed up, and Momma will spend hours on the couch, cuddling - no matter what I may have planned or need to do.  It will fail during teething.  Every SINGLE time.  Which is fine, because I don’t get enough of that throughout the week while I’m working.  But man does this teething thing suck!  This time we are working on back teeth.  On the top, she has two poking through, and the bottom gums are really swollen.  She’s been running a fever and my poor girl is really hurting.  So we cuddle and when she feels better we play.  We play tag and chase and “you can’t catch me”, we have tickle fests, we watch a lot of Sophia and Jack and anything else on Disney.  And we have wonderful golden moments that I wouldn’t miss for the world.


Jamie is getting better and can walk short distances now, as well as being able to maneuver her as long as she’s not struggling.  But the attachment to Momma is still going strong.  I feel awful that I want time away from her.  My balance is simply out of whack.  I no longer work on my stuff and take my time when she goes to bed (around 7pm), because now she’s waking up at 4 am.  This Momma is exhausted and needs some sleep too.  So gone are the days of staying up until 10 pm to try and get some work done (or blogging or scrapbooking or art making in general).  And I’m struggling because there are simply so many things I want to do!


Jamie tells me I’m over-planning.  This is one of my downfalls and always has been.  But I have so many ideas flowing around my brain that its hard not to try to take some kind of action towards them.  BINGO this month was a fail.  I half participated in Stash Bash towards the end of the month, and managed to use 3 paper clips from my BINGO stash (woot?).  And all of this leaves me feeling like a failure.  Honestly, it’s not just my creative life that is suffering, this feeling follows me to my full-time job as well.  In  my attempt to work on my balance, I’m cutting projects and plans.  One of my problems with the blog is the amount of time that I have to spend creating projects so that I can share them.  My creation process is no longer organic to the way I work.  Instead, when I want to create I go through this process of dread beginning with - I should film this...but my filming area is trashed...okay well I’ll just do it in the other room and photograph it....I need to write down all of the products that I’m using....oh wait, I haven’t made a Counterfeit Kit yet this month....I need to start with the kit....oh...I haven’t ordered any photos since April, and I don’t want to scrap Easter.....and then I go to bed, FRUSTRATED!  The sad part is, no one made these rules for me.  I did!  Without even realizing it!


I spent a lot of time today reading Elise Blaha’s blog.  I mean... A L O T of time!  I’m so focused on wanting to build up the blog that I feel like I have to jump right into posting regularly 4-5 times a week.  And I plan for it and then get bogged down by being a Momma and a wife and and and!  And then I don’t bother to move forward, because I’m burnt out before I begin with what I think I HAVE to do in order to succeed!  I need to refocus and just do my thing.  I’m taking Elise’s advice and I’m going to just make things that I’m making anyway and take lots of pictures, and then I’ll have things to share and ideas that actually make sense with my life.  Plus, I’m working on managing my time, forming habits, and other behind the scenes stuff.


So with all of that in mind, I’m participating in Layout a Day (LOAD) for October.  And I’m leaving it at that.  From my last experience with LOAD, I know it takes every ounce of my energy and doesn’t leave time for other projects.  In November, I plan to take part in NaNoWriMo.  Finally, in December, I will be creating my December Daily Album and taking part in that project.  These are my 3 goals for the end of the year.  I am heading into the busiest time of the year for my full-time job and these three projects will be how I try to nurture my creative side that is getting crushed between work and family.  And now I’m off to bed!